So all you ladies who are trying to conceive/ pregnant/ just given birth (and to those who have said these things and know all to well!). Here are a short list of things you won't want to hear/ will have heard and suddenly fully understand the meaning of. I heard all these things during pregnancy and just after birth. I will list the most said but if you have any others don't be afraid to comment below! I'm sure I heard them as well!
Say goodbye to sleep!
Oh yes! This one also comes in the form of "You sleep so much now! You won't have that luxury once little one is here" and don't reply with "I know" especially of they're stood with another mum, because you will most certainly get the shared look between them of utter smugness and the weird mum twin look of sympathy "No you really don't, you idiot, you have no idea at all". Its true, you won't. No I'm serious. But "You know" of course you do, you don't know the full extent of no sleep (beautiful sleep), but you understand that there won't be as much. I mean I didn't realise I would fall asleep half way through a feed (whoops naughty me) at 1:30am (soooo tired) and wake up in exactly the same position (boob out as well) but your husband has put the baby back in the crib but hasn't woken you to tell you and you have a mini heart attack thinking you've lost the baby and oh god your boob is still out and in your lack of sleep state you wonder how the baby managed to hoist himself back into the crib because your mind doesn't work so it doesn't assume your husband did it. No. Magic baby. Yes. That's more reasonable. Definitely.
Do you want a girl or boy?
Errrrmmm do I get a choice then? Is there a button I missed and past a certain point its too late and its just luck of the draw? I'm hoping for a human baby... That's a good place to start. Some people know what they would like gender wise. But I think, why do that? Why think "ooohh I really want a girl!" And then its a boy? Are you disappointed? I expect a part of you might be but it really shouldn't be. It should just be... Yay baby!
You look like you're going to burst/pop!
Thanks. That is just what I want to hear. I also got "Are you sure its just one" ... Yes I'm pretty certain I don't have a ninja baby hiding in there in the shadows of my womb. I could be wrong. Ninja baby might be there and he's about to burst. So stand back cause he'll probably kill you first. I'm not a balloon. I'm carry a load of fluid and making a baby! Try making a shelf in a toilet cubicle and let me know how it goes. Room is needed, especially if you're creating a legend (Jacks a Legend... He told me to write that).
You look tired (20 weeks+ in my case)
Do I? How weird because I've been sleeping really .. Really well. My alien hasn't been kicking my ribs and sticking his hands and feet in really awkward and uncomfortable places.. Nooo. My alien hasn't be using my bladder as a cushion. Nope. My bad back hasn't been keeping me up and my leg cramp has been really helpful at lully me into a deep sleep.
Nope. Not tired. At. All.
Have you started nesting yet?
Now for those of you don't know, nesting is when at some point during your pregnancy you have the sudden urge to clean your dwelling. Constantly. You clean out the cupboard, the toilet seat could be used for meals and your curtains have been washed, dried, hoovered and spray.. Several times. You will probably clean your flat/house/ dwelling more times in the few months that your pregnant more so then you will have cleaned anything in your life time. You may (as I did) buy different bleach's just to see which one leaves your toilet looking the cleanest... And you will be able to tell the difference. Give into the OCD or it could get ugly. Not your dwelling though... It'll look beautiful and clean... Is that some dust? (cleans for dear life).
Can I touch your bump?
I'm sure you've all heard this? Yes? No of course you haven't because people don't ask. You got pregnant! That means these people automatically assume they can touch your tummy whenever and however many times they wish. No asking nooo that would be pointless because why would you say no! Why on earth would you stop people from touching your stomach. Ask me. Just ask. I will tell you no. I don't feel comfortable with you touching my stomach. I didn't get pregnant to get touched up by random citizens. Go away.
Note: If you got to touch my bump and I didn't immediately recoil in horror or disgust then I didn't mind but ask in future and those who did ask and got to touch. Feel privileged.
Are you going to breastfeed or formula feed?
I'm going to give my child to a Sontaran they're awesome and can genetically modify their breast/ man boobs to create the perfect milk for my child. I'm joking (whimpers). I decided quite early on that I was going to breastfeed my baby. Its the best possible start for your child and its soooo natural and easy because it's soooo natural and it'll create such a bond, blah blah blah. All these things are true plus (bonus) I am lucky enough that after the first day Jack took to breastfeeding really well... So well in fact he never wanted to be any where else. There first 9 weeks it felt like he was constantly attached to my breast. Having people round (unless a woman) was an inconvenience because I have to whip my boob out constantly to feed this ever hungry baby! Here's a news flash. Breastfeeding is natural but it can be bloody hard work. Like I said the first 9 weeks he was attached, he fed every hour on the hour for half an hour. All day. All night. It got easier after that... Until every single growth spurt and wonder week and teething.. Oh god teething. But he is nearly 11 months and I am very lucky to be able to still breastfeed him at this point. There are times when I wanted to switch to formula... Its easier right? Don't be so stupid of course its not! Instead of just putting your boob in the baby's mouth, you have to make up a bottle with powder and boiled water, then let it cool down, then shake it, then let it settle so no bubbles, then you have to clean and sterilise it, really well! Really really well! Each form of feeding your baby has its difficulties. Allergies, brands, tongue tie, expressing milk, different teats, different bottles ... Its on going and the judging! Jesus, you're made to feel awful for how you feed your child! Its not natural, its selfish its this its that blah blah blah!!!
Stop feeling guilty, if you breastfeed great! If you formula feed awesome! Is your baby having some sort of milk? Then you are not failing! You're doing amazing!
What are you craving?
Now to begin with I craved whatever I could smell. Burger, Chinese, sausages, chicken sandwich, roast dinner. If I could smell it I wanted it! That died down after the first few weeks. Then I just went off food. I missed food so sort of craved it like bacon and brie (yummy brie) or dippy eggs. But it wasn't a food I craved. It was bubbles. I wanted bubble baths constantly. I washed my hands constantly. I loved the feeling of bubbled on my hands. I got so excited at the thought of loads of bubbles in my baths! That and ice. I loved crunching ice, I went through a bag of ice every day or so. I'd sit in bed just crunching ice. I still do like it but we don't buy the massive bags anymore. There was only one brand I liked as well. From the coop.. Anything else tasted funny! Weird.
Can you bring a urine sample?
Remember them giving you that urine pot and peeing in it? Them testing for protein ? Them emptying it, rinsing it out? Giving it back to you to use again? Yeaaaah. I didn't like it. Every few weeks having to dig it out, pee in it, walk to the doctors surgery, sit in the waiting room... With a pot of my urine in my bag. I'd always wrap tissue round it and put it in another bag... Just incase. It was still warm. Ew. Having to stop and talk to some one on the way... Knowing it was there.. Swishing away in my bag. Yeah. Say good bye to your dignity during pregnancy. And after. Just. Bury it.
Sleep When baby sleeps.
Wait? What happened to the you won't get any sleep? Now you're telling me to nap when baby naps, sleep when baby sleeps. Are you kidding? Like I could anyway? Didn't you know last night I fell asleep whilst feeding and he flew into his crib? I have to keep an eye on this baby. I have to watch his every move. Whilst doing this I need to clean. Cause he could catch something in the big scary world. Should he sleep in his bouncer, everything says no but he's asleep for gods sake! Washing up needs doing. Is he still breathing? Oh thank goodness yes he is, I'll just watch him breath a minute. Just incase. Oh he coughed in his sleep! If I had been asleep I would have missed that cough! Thank goodness I haven't slept for more then 2 hours. Think of all the milestones I might of missed! *falls asleep on toilet* ahhh where Jack (still in same place) ah.. Yes good. No more flying. Great. Jeeez this is terrifying.
This was my brain every minute for the first 2 weeks after Jack was born. I got very bad anxiety and was terrified if I slept he would die. Because during pregnancy I was constantly told about SIDS. I thought right I know how to make sure this doesn't happen, at night. No one told me about during the day. I literally sat and stared at him. I didn't even realise why I was feeling so anxious until I said it out loud. Then I felt better. As soon as I said my fear out loud. I was still scared but I knew why and what I had to do. I still didn't sleep when he did not until we co-slept (my choice go away) and you know what? He started sleeping better as well as me. Haven't looked back.
You're just going to have to let him cry.
No I'm not, if he cries I'm going to pick him up and give him a cuddle. This is my way of doing things, you don't have to, if 'Crying it out' or 'Controlled crying' works for you then absolutely, go for it. But I just couldn't do it. Everything inside me wanted to grab my baby and cuddle him when he cried and they say to listen to your instincts. So I did. "You're making yourself more work in the future." I'm sure I am. I've just had a baby. I signed up for this and I will do it my way. If I want to be the one to console him I will be. Don't try and take him off me and say "He's getting too attached to mummy". Good I'm glad he knows I am here for him when he needs me. I'm glad he knows if he cries then his mummy is going to be there for him, even if he is only crying so I'll pick him up, he obviously wants a cuddle. I would hate it if I was crying and no one would console me, so why should I leave my baby thinking I'm not going to be there? "He'll manipulate you" OOOOOHHH of course, I forgot I'd given birth to a mini satan, how silly of me, best put him in prison cause hes so dangerous. But like I said, these are just my views. I represent myself.
Well there you have it, that is only a percentage of the question you will get and will even dish out once you have had a baby. Nothing stops you. You're a mum now, you're curious about other mums. You don't want to be asked anything, you want to ask all (and offer your newly acquired pearls of wisdom to these soon to be mums. Tell them how scary it is... They won't believe you!)
Just remember most of these people do have the best intentions and are speaking from their own personal experience. Don't feel too angry... or if you do.. hide it. Better then that. Good girl.
Take it easy.
Ellie x
