Hello lovely people.
Another, sort of, diary entry. Yes. I'm sorry.
Well the past week has been a bit of a slow one. I've had a image breakdown, a paranoid episode, laughed until I cried and went to see 'Fifty shades of grey'. What a week!
I'll start with my paranoid episode. I sometimes get these weird moments where I feel I'm being watched or some ones going to hurt me or my family. They come in little spikes every so often. They are horrible.
I had one at the start of the week and nearly deleted my blog because of it. I always think the worst. I hate being in cars and buses are even worse now, I always go through every horrible situation of what could happen when I'm in a car or on a bus. I'm pretty good at keeping it to myself but it makes me feel very odd that I have these thoughts.
I've come to terms with it but every so often its awful. I suddenly think some ones stalking me so delete everything, privatise what I can and freak out (in my mind). Outside it just looks like I'm playing on my phone. Then after I've done all this. I calm down. Regroup. Realise its ridiculous and carry on with my day. So that was a fun 10 minute start to my week!
My image breakdown. My weight more importantly. Now my mum has an illness I wont say what as she may not want me too. But its affecting her and the doctors told her to loose weight and she bloody did it. She went above and beyond. She looks bloody amazing! My sister even put up a before and after picture and I have never felt so proud.
Then I felt like crying. I am the fat one. Its not me having a go at my mum at all. But it gave me a sharp shock. I barely take pictures of my full body because I hate it. I don't wear certain things because I know I'll look gross. I also have the super power of making everyone think I was ok with my weight. I got defensive if anyone brought it up.
So I feel I had a breakthrough. I'm going to do it this time. Not just for me but for Jack and Scott. For my sisters wedding in 2 years time. I refuse to be the fat one anymore. The unhealthy one. I'm not going on some fad diet that won't last. I'm going to change the way I eat entirely. I'm going to walk everyday. I am going to do this!
Onto 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. I like the books and I don't care if you roll your eyes at this next bit as everyone does. But I usually skip most of the sex bits. Not because I'm a prude or whatever. Because its boring. It was over used. I really did like the story behind it all.
Ana and Christian, Ana's relationships with all the characters, the books from her point of view.
The movie was not. The relationships didn't have their passion. The relationship between Christian and Ana wasn't even as passionate or intense as I thought it was going to be. She had witty moments and some parts I smiled and grinned at. But most of it felt very clinical. Christian didn't even have copper coloured hair! What's that about.
I liked it from Ana's perspective in the book, I liked her little internal arguments. No one looked how I thought they would. Really feel they should have said at the beginning, 'very loosely based on fifty shades of grey... There's sex'.
I will say the 'playroom' is exactly how I imagined it! I was so impressed and Escara was amazing. But things were changed, things were added. I understand they have to change things to fit it in to a movie form but they really could have done better. That's my opinion anyway.
So there you have it. A few things that have happened this week. Wish me luck with my healthy living weight loss!
Take it easy.
Ellie x
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